Universidade Federal de Uberlândia
Master the Science of Getting Dumped with Style!
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Ending a romantic relationship is one of the most difficult things to do.
Actually, thats a lie.
Its not really that difficult, its just that most people at the end of their relationship ropes don’t want to be the bad guy, especially if the relationship malaise hasnt been caused by any egregious sin like cheating, abuse, or a professed admiration for jim jones. sometimes, you just want out, but you dont want to be the one to do it, so as your last act of relationship bitchassedness kindness, you want to give the person the pleasure of breaking up with you first.
How do you accomplish this? Well, to expedite this process, here are the champ’s four foolproof ways to get dumped. Enjoy@
1. Intentional sack wackness
Don’t cheat, but do everything in your power to insure that this person never wants to have sex with you ever again.
How do you do this?
Climax in seven pumps. ride lazier than shaq’s left eye. Scream “jeopardy”, pull out, and run a lap around the bed whenever you smack her ass. Attempt to give head with a mouth full of chocolate cake. during missionary, abruptly stop, pull out, get dressed and go on your couch and watch tv, all without saying a word. Instead of “daddy”, incorporate names of other family members when its getting good, preferably “cousin jack” or “auntie“. When he’s about to go down on you, “forget” to remind him that your aunt flow is visiting this week. two words: gorilla mask
Be creative.
2. Be Sarah Palin.
With even the smallest real or perceived slight, reply matter-of-factly with the cruelest, most ignorant, most random insult you could possibly imagine…while smiling. example:
“My bad honey, i forgot to buy grape kool-aid”.
“Babe, how can a grown man’s d*ck be so little? seriously, babycakes, how does that happen? did your grandfather lose a bet with God or something? when you pee, does it hit your balls on the way down”?
or
“I’ll be maybe 10 minutes late picking you up today”,
“You know, sweetie, you’re too ugly for me to ever consider having kids with you. I thought you were an anomaly, but after seeing your mom, i know it runs in your wretched family, and baby, i dont want to be infected with your sad, sad joke of a gene pool”.
3. Respond to every question or statement with the exact same phrase
It doesnt matter. He asked how your day was? She wants to know what groceries she should get at the store? Regardless of the topic, continue to respond with the exact same sentence each time. Personally, i prefer, “whatever floats your boat, queen bee” or “who cares about it all anyway, ever”
4. Report any every intimate thing that you do together on the internet
That intense lunch quickie earlier in the week? Put it up on rude.com. That issue she’s having with her sister’s kids? Create a topic about it on okayplayer.com. That 2000 word email he sent you, expressing dismay about the direction his life was headed? Post it as a note on facebook, under the title “how should i respond?”
***Bonus points if you include dates, times, and real names***
Thats it from me….for now. What else would you add to the list?