Universidade Federal de Uberlândia
Manage Friendships In A Monogamous Relationship
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After reading my post on dating and the internet, a reader emailed* asking me to write about the aspect of romantic love that involves balancing other friendships and relationships. He has been in a committed, romantic relationship for years, but prefers a more active social life than his partner wants. He wants me to write about problems that come up when making new opposite-sex friends (if you’re heterosexual, same-sex friends if homosexual) of the non-romantic type while in a committed, monogamous relationship.
As a fiercely independent and accustomed-to-being-single person, my first reaction was, “Befriend whoever you want and let your significant other deal with it.” Then I remembered that being in a committed relationship involves stopping at every turn and asking yourself, “How is this decision going to impact the person I love?” I believe that each relationship is different, and I don’t want to lay out a set of “rules” or anything of the sort. That said, I do have years of experience maintaining friendships with male friends while being sexually monogamous with a serious boyfriend and can write from my experience.
There are myriad difficulties that can arise from opposite sex friendships while you’re in a romantic relationship. You could become tempted to cross a line romantically or sexually. Even if you do not cross any lines, your partner might grow jealous or suspicious of your intentions, and that could negatively impact your romantic relationship. Your new friend could become attracted or overly attached to you. Even if none of this happens, other people could make assumptions, gossip, and otherwise stir up drama surrounding the situation.
Still, I encourage anyone reading this to pursue whatever friendships appeal to them. Your romantic relationship should not make your life less rich by keeping you from friendships you desire. Despite the dominant cultural fairy tale-inspired wisdom, a romantic partner will not “complete” you. You won’t have every need met by this single person, and you won’t be able to meet all of their needs. Not all of your interests and hobbies will line up. You’ll not want to spend every waking moment together. Also,sometimes a tiny bit of attraction and jealousy spurred by someone else (a tiny bit, not an unhealthy amount!) can shake things up and deepen a romantic relationship.
Pursuing the friendships that appeal to you, however, requires a commitment to your partner and the knowledge that your romantic relationship supersedes these friendships. The easiest way to honor this commitment is to talk openly and keep no secrets. Tell your significant other about your opposite sex friends. Invite your significant other to social events and get-togethers, even if you don’t think they’ll want to come. Make phone calls and send text messages to your friends when your partner is around, not on the sly. Make it clear to the both of you that you have nothing to hide. And if an attraction arises, confess it immediately–to your partner, not the friend.
I’ve seen many people navigate these difficulties by going from one extreme to the other–staying commitment-free so they are able to befriend whoever they want, whenever they want then eventually ditching opposite sex relationships altogether after making a commitment to a single romantic partner. For me, both of these options involve too much of a compromise. I enjoy the intimacy of a long-term partner but I am not willing to sacrifice male friendships in order to have one. It seems old-fashioned and reactionary.
In my experience, friendships only become a threat to a romantic relationship when secrecy is involved. If you wouldn’t want your partner to know about what you’re doing with another person, don’t do it. If that feels too restrictive, reconsider the partnership. Don’t keep certain things to yourself in order to avoid a partner’s jealousy. Face all difficult situations head on, by discussing them openly.
Then again, I know my strong affinity for honesty and openness is not shared by all, and many people would argue that a little secrecy is needed sometimes to maintain the peace. I’d love to have readers weigh in with their opinions and experiences. For those of you who have opted for a committed, monogamous relationship, how do you maintain outside friendships? For those of you who are not in committed relationships, is this part of the reason why?